I feel like I spend more time some days trying to find way to be left alone than I do actually being alone. I love my kids. I love their cute little grubby faces and their sassy little sayings. I also love being alone. And I miss having time for myself.
What is this “Alone Time” You Speak of?
“Alone time” is a myth perpetuated by Calgon and Dove to guilt moms into thinking they’re missing out on spending time getting to know themselves.
Sounds great, sure, but how do you put it into practice when you’re a working (or stay at home mom) with more on your plate than you can handle already? Who the fuck actually has time to lay in a bubble bath and read a book on all the ways you’re screwing up your kids?
Carving more than five minutes out of the day for “me” is next to impossible, yet I still need to have ways to relax and unwind. How do I do it? Read on to find out.
Start Drinking at 6 pm, Don’t Stop Until You’re Asleep
I’m not advocating parental irresponsibility here, please don’t do this before a more responsible adult comes home. When your partner comes home from work, meet him/her at the door with a beer. Open one for yourself. Keep drinking until you have to be carried to bed. You don’t have a “problem” because you’re not drinking “alone”. The kids are there, remember?
Run to Your Room Crying the Moment Your Partner Comes Home and Lock Yourself Away
Being awake is hard. But look at you go!
You’ve worked hard all day, now it’s time for a break.
Tell your spouse that you have something to work on in your room/a call to make/diarrhea and go in the room. Lock the door. Pretend no one is there when kids knock. Text your partner and let them know you’re not coming out until the kids are fed and in bed. This is my go-to method for relaxation and time alone. And my husband has learned to be a great parent because of it!
Don’t Go Home From Work One Day
**If I had a job outside of the home, this would be my preferred method of gaining access to alone time through shitty parenting.
Sick of everyone’s shit at home? Fuck em. Go to work and then treat yo self. Go shopping, have a mom’s night or go to a movie all by yourself. Don’t tell anyone and definitely don’t answer the phone. They’ll figure out you’re not coming back eventually. Bonus: this leaves your partner to take over all parenting, without even having to ask/get them agree to do it!
Throw Popsicles at the Kids and Lock Them in the Backyard
“Hey guys! How was your day today?”
“Fine. Can I have a popsicle?”
This is the first conversation I have with my kids upon their return from school each day.
Have your fucking popsicle.
Take it outside and eat it. I will lock you out and peek through the blinds when I hear screams. Maybe, unless I’m curled up in a ball in my closet with my fingers in my ears and can’t hear you. Because I’m alone and #lovingit.
Send your kids to their rooms until they’re clean
If your kids are anything like mine, they’re disgusting little shits who wallow in their little shit piles gleefully, but the moment you ask them to clean up, the party is over.
Room cleaning is the most loathed task in our house. I don’t live in those rooms, I’m not cleaning them.
I’ve found that if I send my kids to their rooms to clean, and say not to come out until they’re done, they don’t clean…but they also don’t come out.
Have a family cleaning day. Tell everyone your plan to get a sparkly clean house and send them to their rooms to start. I guarantee you won’t see them for hours.
How Do You Find Time to Be Alone?
What do you do to relax? How has being a mom changed how you find time for yourself?